


To Be x With x You

by olivemeister



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bittersweet, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 14:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6010609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemeister/pseuds/olivemeister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon and Killua's long-distance Valentine's day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be x With x You

**Author's Note:**

> I started this basically last-second and finished it at around 5am, so apologies that it's emotionally all over the place.

 “Hey,” Killua said, and on the screen Gon waved at him with both hands. He was flushed bright red, his eyes bright with excitement. It made Killua snort, leaning forward into one hand. “Don't get so worked up, god. We talked yesterday, didn't we?”

“Yeah, but...” Gon fidgeted with his headphones for a second, before grinning again. “That was over the phone, so I couldn't see Killua's face at all! Oh, um! I got your present, but I didn't open it yet. Did you get mine?”

Instead of replying, Killua reached over the desk to tug the little package over and let his laptop's camera pick it up. Like Gon, he'd decided not to open it yet. A Valentine from Gon. It was something they had casually done before, little childish gifts of candy and paper hearts. Now it was a little more serious.

“Good, I'm glad.” The look on Gon's face was a little wistful, but he was still smiling. From the way the video seemed to vibrate faintly, Killua was certain that the other boy was bouncing his legs eagerly. “Open it, open it!”

“What, why are you so excited about it?” Despite his words, Killua knew he was beaming and red in the face himself. It made everything he said sound hollow, and he didn't care about maintaining the facade of being collected. He looked at the package for a long moment – a brown box wrapped in tape that almost certainly contained another, more festive package. Altering one finger, Killua ran the sharpened nail carefully down the line of packaging tape. Gon's little hum of excitement made him blush harder in obvious delight. Anything he got from Gon would be good, he thought, but Gon's unabashed enthusiasm was only making him happier.

As expected, there was another box inside the box. Killua scoffed dramatically, wondering if Gon knew it was completely fake. When he glanced up at the computer screen, he saw that the other boy had his chin propped on his hands, cupping his cheeks and smiling so wide it looked painful. Killua felt his own cheeks ache, and he hoped that the expression on his face wasn't as dopey as Gon's.

“You're so lame, you know?”

“I know! But that's okay, isn't it? Since it's because I love Killua!”

Killua's finger punched a tiny hole in the box as he reacted to the words, sputtering in embarrassment and opening his mouth to retort. He would never get used to it, he thought, unable to figure out how to reply. Gon's laugh made him want to grin and melt and yell all at once.

“Stupid! You're so stupid!” It only made Gon grin harder. Scowling to hide how flustered he was, Killua finally managed to undo the ribbon tied around the little box. Before he opened it, though, a sudden apprehension gripped him. “There's no glitter in this, right?”

Gon looked abashed for a moment, his cheeks turning redder. “No,” he said, with a hint of embarrassment. Maybe he'd considered it, based on that reaction. Relieved, Killua pulled the lid of the box open. Inside, wrapped in red foil, were what had to be chocolate roses. They were arranged in a heart, Killua noted immediately. It made him grin, but there was something nestled in the center in a neat twist of tissue paper. He wondered if Mito had helped him, or if Gon had spent hours putting the package together alone. The thought of Gon working on it himself was much nicer. After all, they weren't kids anymore. He carefully tugged the tissue paper free, all the while feeling like a surgeon trying to save a life.

“... where did you get this?”

“I had to take a boat off Kujira Island,” Gon admitted bashfully. Killua flushed hard. His stomach felt like it was twisting and flipping in his abdomen, a mess of emotion wreaking havoc on him. In his hands was a tiny velvet jewelry box, and as Killua looked at it he knew that somewhere Gon had the match. After all, it had to have a match. The cut of the ring made it obvious, like it had been one thick band of metal that had been carved into two interlocking ones. Somewhere, there was another one that fit into the wavy grooves of the one in his hands.

“You're so stupid,” he whispered, unable to keep the affection out of his voice. Gon's hesitant expression relaxed a little. He'd been genuinely worried about the reaction, Killua realized with some surprise. It was an unexpected treat, seeing Gon nervous. “We don't have the same ring size, you idiot.”

It made Gon bark in laughter, and then he made a little waving motion as if to say there was something else. Killua squinted at him, even as he ran his finger along the rippled edge of the ring. It wouldn't fit, he was sure, but he didn't want to figure that out while Gon was watching him. “Look under the pad!”

“What?” Despite the words, Killua flipped the little pad that the ring had been set into up. A thin chain was coiled under it, making him snort in acceptance. Of course Gon had thought of that. He was smart about the strangest things. “Fuck, you're so lame.”

“Yeah. It doesn't fit me either, actually... My half, I mean. So, I...” Gon was twiddling his fingers a little, tapping the tips of his index fingers together anxiously. Killua set the box down, just looking at the other boy for a moment with a frown of puzzlement on his face. “What do you...”

“... Gon,” Killua started, still narrowing his eyes in genuine confusion. Gon was almost too nervous, and it made him suspicious and lost. Feeling his cheeks redden, he leaned forward to stare at the other boy through the camera. “... You're not asking me to marry you, are you?”

“What!? No, I! Well, maybe.” It made him groan, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. Gon's laugh sounded in his ears again, and Killua kicked the leg of his desk. It would be better to kick Gon, really, but given the fact that he was half a world away that wasn't an option. No matter how hard he tried. “No, I meant... Killua, do you... like it?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Killua clicked his tongue loudly enough that the mic had to be able to pick it up, slipping the ring onto its chain carefully. But Gon didn't say anything in response, and Killua let his expression soften. “Of course I like it. Dumbass. Even if it was something shitty I would have liked it. But it's not shitty at all, that's so unfair.”

“Okay. Okay! Good.” Gon's eyes flicked from the screen down to the package in front of him, and he started to chew on his lower lip. Snorting, Killua waved his hand before dropping the chain around his neck. It was just long enough that he could easily tuck the ring safely under his shirt, he noted with some satisfaction.

“Go on, you can open it. It's not as nice as yours, god dammit. You're so rude, showing me up.” Despite the words, he was still secretly proud of his efforts. Gon hadn't _made_ his present this year, after all. As he watched the other boy pick at the tape, Killua suddenly wished he had put less on the cardboard. “Use your nen, stupid.”

“Mmmm,” Gon said, squinting in concentration. He finally peeled off the first layer of tape, making Killua wonder if the idiot didn't have a pair of scissors or a knife nearby. “I don't trust it yet. It's been really hard controlling it still! I accidentally overdid it and crushed a boulder just using my aura alone. I don't know if I can transmute it yet in any good way. We can't all turn our fingers into daggers, Killua.”

“... okay, that's fair. But like, don't you have a knife?”

“Somewhere.” The way he said it made it obvious that Gon was too stubborn to try a smarter method of opening the package. He had started peeling the tape off, and that meant he would continue to do so despite the lack of logic in his approach. The second layer was ripped off unceremoniously, making a surprisingly loud sound. Gon beamed, pulling the cardboard flaps open with obvious delight. Packing peanuts clung to the inside, sliding and floating around as gravity attempted to take hold of them. “Oh!”

As soon as Gon shoved his hand into the box, more of the styrofoam spilled out onto the floor. Killua laughed, leaning back in his seat and biting his lip around his grin. The way Gon's face twisted up in thought as he brushed packing peanuts from the glass bottle was cute, Killua thought. Inside it, a collection of golden, almost glittering stars floated in water. It was sealed tightly – he'd made sure of it.

“Killua, what... oh! Oh! I get it! Oh, wow! Oh!” Gon set the bottle down carefully, clapping his hands to his cheeks. He was blushing in excitement, and the video feed seemed to shiver again as he practically shook the desk with his jittery knees. “How did you make them?”

“It was easy,” Killua said casually, a complete and utter lie. He'd spent ages layering and melting sand with his aura, stacking it together to create the hollow stars and making sure there were no gaps or holes that would allow water to fill them. They were almost spherical – a circular base, with multiple points that jutted out in all directions. There had been so many failures that it was hard to believe that seven stars bobbed in the bottle together. “I lined up the sand and fused it with my aura. Simple.”

At least, the concept had been simple. In practice it had been just short of a nightmare.

“They're so pretty,” Gon breathed, tilting his head to look at the little stars as they moved in the water. His expression was still awestruck, but somehow gentle at the same time. It seemed like he was considering something, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words. “It's like you sent me some of you. Um! Your aura, I mean. S-since you used your nen to make them. It's... like I have little pieces of Killua here. Oh...”

Gon quieted, blinking rapidly. It was painfully obvious that he was trying not to tear up, and Killua flushed hard. His stomach was twisting again, both nervous and ecstatic at once. “S-stupid, don't cry. It's not that big of a deal.”

“It is, though! It's just really special, I don't even know what to say. Killua, I love it! I love _you_. Oh, gosh, this is so cool. Killua, thank you! I'm really, really happy right now. It's...” Gon hugged the jar to his chest, biting his lip. “What's... Ah, I just! It's really, oh... It's, just that, even though you're really far away, there's part of you right here with me now, a-and I just... miss you.”

Killua stared down at his hands, his fingers laced together. It wasn't like he regretted doing what he was doing, traveling the world with Alluka. It felt right, spending time with his sister and making up for all they'd missed. But when he thought of how far away from Gon he was, it made his heart ache. “I miss you too,” he whispered, before covering his mouth with his knuckles. He could never stand firm in the face of Gon's misery. Even though the other boy wasn't even looking at the camera – wasn't looking at him – it still hurt to see his saddened face. His chest felt hollow, his throat tight. “Gon, I-”

Before he could finish his thought, Gon was looking up at him again with a weak smile. It made him want to reach out through the computer and snatch Gon into his arms. The world was too large, and they were too far apart. Instead, all he could do was rub his thumb against the ring Gon had sent him, knowing it had to be enough.

“It's weird, isn't it? When I think about Killua, I get happy and sad at the same time, and I just feel like I'm going to cry. But it's such a good feeling, even though it's all tight in my chest and my stomach goes all funny. I guess it's because I love you so much.” Gon held the bottle up to look at it again, angling it so that the melted sand caught the light and sparkled. The little stars bobbed again, swirling in the water. “Killua, if I _had_ been asking you to marry me, what would you have said?”

“Gon, seriously!” Killua gripped the ring harder, before letting it go. If he squeezed it too hard with his strength, the metal might warp under his hands. Gon laughed a little, but it was nervous at the same time. It was unfair how cute Gon could be, really. “I'm not gonna answer something like that. Stupid. Asking me what I would have done, shit. Like I'd tell you!”

“Okay.” It was immediate, and he could only stare at the screen. The expression on Gon's face was surprisingly determined, even though his cheeks were still a rosy pink. “Killua, will you marry me?”

Killua should have expected that response, but it still completely blindsided him. His mouth was hanging open, he knew, but his mind wasn't working enough to figure out how to close it again. Thankfully, the laptop's microphone wasn't sensitive enough to pick up the way his heartbeat was starting to accelerate. Killua wasn't sure how he would have reacted to Gon knowing exactly how flustered he was getting. “Wh-”

“I, I thought... If Killua won't tell me the answer to a hypothetical, I just... have to ask for real, right? Killua. So, will you? I'm asking, right now.”

“You little shit, how could you... You're totally serious, too!” It was absolutely unbelievable, and Killua couldn't deny that it made him happy even though he was irritated. Gon was always willing to jump into things immediately, like the idea of consequences eluded him. Or maybe he'd already thought about it before, had spent time considering it. Him, marrying Gon. “You're one-hundred percent serious, asking me to marry you over a fucking video chat! We're not even old enough for that, what's the point in asking?”

“No, no! Some places you can get married as young as fourteen, so we could have gotten married last summer, or earlier! If we went somewhere like that.” Gon hummed, swaying back and forth a little as he thought. It was completely serious, the absurd sentences dropping from Gon's lips. Killua wondered if he was doing a poor job hiding how much he liked the idea. It was because they were sixteen and stupid, he was sure. Even so, he really did like the sound of it. “But anyway! I'll marry Killua, for real. Because I love you. So, what do you think?”

“... you're stupid. That's what I think.” Gon puffed his cheeks out in a pout, and Killua grinned maliciously. The fact that he hadn't expected the answer was surprisingly endearing. Gon was really such an idiot. Still, Killua couldn't help but relent. “And I like you a lot, so I'm _really_ stupid. So... I guess I'm stupid enough to be stupid with you.”

“Does that mea-”

“Of course it means 'yes', you idiot! Just... not right now. Jeez. At least wait until we can drink legally.”

“Oh!” Gon clapped his hands together, before pressing them against his lips. “Killua, you know... Some places we can do that. Okay, okay! I'm sorry! I know. We still have lots of time. But someday I think... when we're older, lots older maybe! I'll definitely still want to do that. So if Killua... still wants me that day... maybe that would be nice.”

“Yeah? And what if I don't? What if I change my mind?” It was a sheer hypothetical, and Killua wondered if that was obvious. They'd stayed together for almost five years after all, despite the fact that half of it had been from a painful distance. Maybe he would change his mind in another five, or another ten, or even longer. Somehow, it didn't feel like it would be the case. Even if things changed, he thought he would probably always want to go back to Gon. “What would you do then?”

“Well... I can't _make_ Killua want to marry me! Even if you had said no right now, I would have just had to deal with it I think. But...” Gon cupped his cheek with one hand, leaning into it and setting his elbows on the desk. Things would have been so much easier if he could jump through the computer to see Gon. There had to be a way to use nen to do that, Killua was sure. The Hunter Association site used something like that, didn't it? They had been somehow transported into the virtual bar, back then. He'd had the thought before, but it was almost impossible to figure out how the site worked without contacting Milluki. And that was the last thing Killua wanted to do. “I think... if you said no, I probably wouldn't want to give up. Since Killua is so special to me, I couldn't just let go... Even if you told me to leave, I think that... it would be really hard.”

“And... what if you don't want _me_ anymore? Someday, I mean.” Killua chewed on his lower lip gently, looking at the computer screen with his eyebrows drawn together in a frown. Gon's grin melted off his face into something more terse and almost offended, as if the very question was unpalatable to him. “Don't give me that look, I'm asking for real.”

“You _are_ stupid! Killua, I! When I see your face my chest gets all squeezy, and sometimes when I think about you my stomach is all warm and I feel like I have a fever and everything is really nice but tense, but exciting!” It was an incredibly dangerous line of thought, at least for his fluttering heart rate. Killua opened his mouth, but the idea of what to say eluded him. Gon was being so stupidly cute that it had to be breaking some sort of cosmic law. “And I get all tingly inside, and hot and achy. And there's this feeling really deep down inside me tha-”

“It's called an erection,” Killua drawled, and Gon's almost indignant squawk was just as good as his beet-red face. Gon actually stood up at that, slamming both hands down on his desk. For a moment all he could see was the other boy's chest and stomach, and the way his fingers curled into fists and loosened again. When he sat down again it was heavily, enough that Killua could hear the thump of him settling into his chair again. “What, you were embarrassing me.”

“That's not fair,” Gon whined, and Killua noted with endless delight that he was red up to his ears. His cheeks puffed out in another pout, and he snatched up the glass bottle as if it was vital to maintaining his composure. But then, the next words that came out of Gon's mouth made Killua second-guess his positive reaction. “You _know_ that's not what I'm talking about, Killua! That's a different thing!”

“I just wanted you to shut up and stop being so sappy and lame! I didn't _actually_ think you were talking about getting a boner over me, holy shit!” He'd made a terrible mistake, Killua realized. Unless Gon was as willing to backpedal from the subject as he was, the chances that the call would escalate in an incredibly weird way seemed high. They were treading in dangerous waters. “Forget it, god, forget I said anything! I can't even make fun of you, shit.”

“You're mean.” Gon was completely correct, but Killua scowled at him nonetheless. “I mean, that happens too sometimes. But that's not what I meant at all!”

Killua wanted to slam his head down on the desk. Instead, he put his elbows on it and cradled his head in his hands. The last thing he needed to think about was Gon's penis. “Please,” he ground out, running his fingers through his hair to grab and yank at his scalp. “Don't escalate this conversation.”

“What I meant was... I mean... When I think about Killua, I'm happy. Even if it feels sort of anxious and scary, I'm really happy. I want to spend more time like that, thinking about you and having fun with you. It feels impossible that one day it wouldn't make me happy! Thinking that one day I won't love Killua... it's such a stupid lie, isn't it? Even if the 'how' changes, I think... no, I know, that everything we did was worthwhile. That everything was important and special, even if it was a small thing! I'll always feel that way, I'm sure of it. So I'm sure I'll always love Killua.”

He wanted to snort and scoff, to tell Gon how uncool he sounded and how embarrassing it was that he could say something like that with a straight face. Instead, Killua pressed his cheek against his forearm, tugging harder on his hair. His cheeks hurt, and he hoped the angle of his body hid his smile from Gon. “Seriously...”

“I wish I could kiss you right now,” Gon said, with a hint of what was unmistakably longing in his voice. “Since it's Valentine's Day, especially, but even if it wasn't I still would want to kiss Killua all over. Not just your mouth. I wanna kiss Killua's cheeks and your forehead and I wanna kiss your hands and your neck and your ears. Oh! Killua, you're all red. Am I embarrassing you again?”

“Of course you are,” Killua retorted, before turning his face into his arm to hide it. Gon's laugh was sweet in his ears, and he huffed loudly in response. He couldn't help but peek out again, just to see the smile on Gon's face. “You're always so embarrassing!”

“I don't think I can help it. When I see how cute Killua is, I just get all...” Gon squeezed his fingers into fists, and then splayed his fingers out like he was miming an explosion. “And my heart feels all tight and it gets hard to breathe sometimes. I just feel like I could float away! But that would be okay, I think, because if I could float like that then maybe I could see Killua, for real and not through a computer.”

“Gon, I...” Killua swallowed hard, forcing himself to straighten his back and look at the other boy properly. Making himself say the things he needed to say was always so hard when it came to Gon, fighting down how flustered he got and the frantic skipping of his heart. Despite how much of a hard time he gave the other boy over it, he understood the clumsy attempts at expressing the wonderful and awkward things he felt. “I, you know... I love you.”

Gon's eyes widened, his eyebrows raising so high that they were threatening to encroach on his hairline. It wasn't the reaction he was expecting at all, especially when the other boy's face flushed bright red and his mouth fell open. The response was entirely unfair, making Killua's stomach twist into knots. Gon told _him_ that he loved him all the time, so it was unfair that he was so stunned to hear it himself. “Wh- oh. Oh... A-ah, um! S-sorry, I... Why...?”

The hitch in Gon's voice was incredibly startling, and Killua narrowed his eyes to squint at the screen. He couldn't quite tell from the quality of the video, but it seemed obvious that Gon had automatically burst into tears.

“Gon, did you... think I didn't love you?” The mere thought made his chest ache painfully. Killua gripped the fabric of his shirt over his chest, taking a deep breath. It wasn't always obvious and it was easy to forget, but Gon's self-esteem was awful. Was it possible that Gon hadn't realized it simply because he'd never spoken it aloud?

“N-no, I! I thought, haa, I, hold on. I need, um.” Gon wiped at his face with his sleeve roughly. Killua wasn't sure if it was the video feed that made it seem like Gon was trembling. Most of him didn't want to believe it was the case, but part of him was devastatingly touched by it. “I... always thought Killua was the type of person who didn't think to... say that kind of thing. Or that! You got embarrassed about it, and thought that I would already... figure that out. And I! Did! Sometimes I thought, maybe you didn't, and I got nervous and sort of scared. E-even though, I knew better, sometimes I wasn't sure. I'm, s-sorry, I didn't mean to... I just was... But I didn't think you would s-say it! So I'm r-really hap-”

Gon's voice cracked, and he buried his face in his hands. It took him a long moment to compose himself, his shoulders shaking noticeably. Killua could only watch that, unable to find a single word to say.

“Sorry, I... sort of felt like, I might cry today. I get so happy to see your face and hear your voice, but I'm also sad. B-because I miss Killua so much, it makes me sad to think that I can't hug you and I can't kiss you and I can't even hold your hand. A-and because it's Valentine's day, I thought, even more than normal I would want to do those things.” Gon sniffled, and Killua felt his eyes burning. No matter how much he loved Gon, he couldn't leap across the world. He had responsibilities, things he needed to do. He couldn't leave it all behind for Gon, to drop his goals into the dirt and abandon them. And he didn't want to. But it didn't make it hurt any less. “I miss you so much, Killua.”

“Me too,” Killua managed, and his voice sounded horribly choked even to his own ears. It felt awful, knowing that if he went to see Gon he would want to stop everything and stay with him, and making himself stay distant because of it. “You know I-”

“I know why. I knew w-when Killua said goodbye, why you had to leave. We both... Had things we needed to do. And they were things that we couldn't do together, no matter how much... how much _I_ wanted to.” Gon seemed so painfully small, hunched the way he was. A perfect picture of misery. His heart felt like it was in his stomach, twisted and aching. It was something they didn't talk about, an unspoken agreement. Because it was too painful, Killua thought. Because both of them were afraid of regretting the decision.

“I love you,” he said quietly, and Gon hiccuped loudly. He should have realized how hard it was for Gon, keeping those feelings pushed down unspoken. Had he been lost, feeling like he wasn't important? Feeling like he couldn't say a word? Feeling like everything he poured out, all the affection that spilled from his lips, wasn't returned in the same way? All because he was too stupid to think to say it. Killua yanked the collar of his shirt up to wipe his face, and the breath he took was shaking. “Gon, are you listening? I love you. I should have – I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry. I should have said it before.”

“I want to see you,” Gon sniffled, and Killua couldn't choke back his sob. His hands were shaking, badly, and he laced his fingers together in a pointless attempt to keep them still. “I hate it! I want to see Killua so badly. But I can't. It's not right. W-wanting you to come here, and stay with me. It's not fair to want that. A-and I still do! Even though I know it's selfish. I'm just... I think, right n-now, I'm like Killua was. Before, when w-we first... Killua, I don't have anything I want to do anymore. I want to find something, a new goal. And, it's selfish. It's selfish of me, and I've already! Been so selfish, and hurt you b-because of it. But I want to find it with you!”

“Gon, why... you idiot, why didn't you just...” Killua sniffed hard, scrubbing at his face again. Of course Gon hadn't said anything. After everything that had happened, he didn't want to be a burden, was afraid to say what he longed to do. Because he was afraid of forcing things to go his way again. No matter how much he acted like he was fine, Killua knew that parts of Gon were still a raw wound. It only reminded him that in some ways, they were still just kids. Stupid, emotional kids. “You're _always_ selfish. I knew you were selfish from the start, and I stayed with you anyway. And sometimes it did hurt! Sometimes it hurt so much I couldn't stand it. But I won't let you do that anymore. If it hurts, I won't stay quiet anymore. I won't always let you be selfish. S-so... just once, can I be selfish? Can I be selfish, and ask you to come with me?”

“... is it okay if I do?”

“Of course it is. But not because it's what _you_ want! Because it's what _I_ want. We can go together, can't we? We can do that again. You can tag along and search for it, the way I did. Until then, you can stay with me. Even i-if... you never find anything, you can stay with me. But I won't slow down for you! So you better keep up, you hear me Gon?”

Gon sniffled again, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. But he was beaming through his tears now, a broad, genuine smile that filled Killua with unspeakable relief and happiness. “I don't want you to ever slow down. I'll run as fast as I can, no matter how long it takes to catch up!”

He paused for a long moment, looking down at his knees as if in thought. It passed quickly enough, though, and even with a world between them their eyes could still meet through that camera.

“Because I want to be with Killua.”

**Author's Note:**

> What Killua was actually making with his aura is a mineral called fulgurite! Fulgurite forms when lightning strikes sand. It's sort of plain-looking compared to a lot of more flashy minerals, but I think it looks pretty dang neat. You can see an example of naturally (as opposed to 'dedicated boyfriend painstakingly melting sand) formed fulgurite [here](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f3/Fulgsdcr.jpg/400px-Fulgsdcr.jpg).


End file.
